One Of Those Times...

Yes, it's been one of those times, where I become a hermit and barely leave my room, except maybe to go to class or maybe to go to someone's office to get something corrected--I've been trying to get my major corrected for the past 2 weeks, because, apparently, the Registrar's office doesn't have my updated file, so I'm still marked down as a Fine Arts/Journalism double-major (plus a Film Studios concentration), even though I dropped Journalism and Film Studies two years ago.
(I have to give props to the Registrar, though, they've been very nice and very patient with me as I play "follow-the-file-around-the-departments").
(Yes, I'm eating--I'm not starving myself or anything, before anyone asks).


It's not depression--I'm not really sad this time around, I just feel very mentally tired and frustrated.  I'm at a point where I feel exhausted just getting dressed, and even the easier classes where I pretty much just sit in a lecture and do marginal assignments are hard to get through.  My only saving grace is that it's still early in the semester and snow/ice is currently fucking up everyone's schedule, but regardless I haven't been keeping up with my assignments as much as I should.  It especially frustrates me because at the very beginning of the semester I was doing great, even getting work done ahead of schedule, but somewhere down the line I just started to give up (actually I know exactly which line--one of my professors/classes is more about the professor and her ego rather than actually preparing the class for anything; I don't think I've ever been so pissed off at a class before).

It doesn't help that I've also been avoiding talking to my dad about my December, rather than May, graduation.  Basically he got his side of the family hyped for the graduation they think is still taking place in May, and I have to tell my dad sooner than later so he can relay to his family members not to start buying plane tickets or booking hotels and such (to my knowledge, no one's spent any money on travel plans, yet).
It's not his reaction to me graduating that I'm worried about, it's the reaction he might have that I've "inconvenienced" his family, because certain members of his family come first--mind you, this is family that I, for the most part, have no interaction with; it's a long story that I'm not getting into here, but let's just say even though I don't have any problem with a majority of that side of the family, there are certain individuals that ruin it for everybody.

When I first told my mom about my December graduation, at first, she was pretty disappointed and upset (she's still kind of upset, but now that we've talked it over and she knows it's definite she's being much more supportive about it).  She wanted to see me cross the stage and such (add extra guilt for this year's May graduation also happening to fall on Mother's Day), but, to be completely honest, when I found out I was graduating in December, rather than May, I was friggin' thrilled.
No, I didn't feel good about having to tell my mom that we were going to have to gather up money for another semester, and, of course, I didn't like disappointing her, but I also wasn't hyped for a May graduation from the beginning--for one, a bunch of relatives that I don't talk to would be coming from my dad's side and my mom and dad were already starting to have pissing contests about when I was going to spend time with them--I wouldn't mind spending time with either parent too much if it wasn't for the fact that as soon as I'm around one parent, the other one thinks they're "taking me away" mostly just to spite the other parent, and, unfortunately, that's sometimes true.  Yes, both of my parents love me and they both want to legitimately hang out with me, but they also get into these "you're always with [other parent], now it's your turn to hang out with me" type moods, and it makes me not want to hang out with either of them.

There's a lot of family history that ties into all this, but I'm not going to get into it; bottom line, I'm honestly just glad to avoid the drama and just be able to go home and have a diploma shipped to me.  (And, no, my parents and their pissing contests isn't just me being paranoid or anticipating the worst, this a situation that has happened over and over again for years, over much less significant events than graduations).


And to put the cherry on top of this lovely cake of anxiety and guilt: my equestrian club--one of the few things keeping me sane and actually fucking happy--recently got "cancelled."  Basically, one of the hired hands at the stables has been arguing with our instructor (we'll call her Ms.Q.), saying she unnecessarily bosses him around or tells him what to do (even though, from my experience, anytime she tells him to do something it's either to tell him to actually do his job or telling him not to do something he shouldn't with the horses, like ride them on grounds we're restricted to do so on), and he complained to their bosses and through a kind of vague explanation of events and technicalities, the club members are no longer allowed to go near the horses unless another instructor of ours (we'll call her Ms.V.)--one who's barely present, but supposedly more legally validated--is there with us.  So, not only can I not ride the horses, but I can't even groom or wash them or visit them in the pasture, which really hurts me because most of the club members kinda have their "own" horse--various people work with all of the horses (we have 7), but everyone's got that one horse that they really work with and/or connect with the most, and it took me awhile to figure out which one was "mine" (the first one I grew really attached to, Patty, passed away before I got to spend a substantial amount of time with her; and there's another dark-brown horse, Comanche, that I hang out with a lot, but barely ride (yet)) until a few months ago when, somehow, I kept ending up taking care of and working with a horse of ours named Raven, and he's pretty much been "my" horse ever since.  Every time I went to the stables, I tried to learn something new about him or get to know him better, and so far it was going really well and I was looking forward to working with him more, so I'm practically livid at the idea that I might not be able to spend any time with him or any of the horses for awhile (like telling us not to ride or groom is one thing, but we can't even touch the horses from over the pasture fence?  Are you shitting me?).

Now, I'm not blaming Ms.V. (the instructor that supposed to be out there with us) at all; she didn't have any part of this and she has her reasons for not being at the stables as often as Ms.Q.; however, I'm honestly pissed that not only is the club being punished for something we weren't a part of, but Ms.Q., who I've known as nothing short of an incredibly hard-working and no-nonsense lady who hasn't given anyone any kind of shit unless they deserved it, is also getting punished for it.
I'm not even that pissed at the hired hand who started this whole thing in the first place, because he's complained before; I'm more pissed at whatever higher-up made this decision and gave us some bullshit reason that doesn't make any sense, because our club has always kind of been on its own with making decisions, since the university barely knows we even exist and doesn't look in our direction much anyway (a few weeks before this whole thing started up, someone over at the registration desk fucked up the equestrian class schedules and reduced the class from 2hrs to 1hr, which means the horses--who are already pretty lazy and don't get ridden enough, because there are only so many people available on so many days--are getting even less exercise than before, which is another reason why this club cancellation sucks).
Right now, some of our lead-club members are executing a plan to talk to our advisor about getting this whole thing fixed.  We're [the club members] are waiting for more news on the situation, but I suggested if the club leaders can't get any sort of response, then it would probably be best if the majority of the club said something, because we were all kind of blind-sided about this and, unfortunately, Ms.V. kind of has her hands tied.
It doesn't make any sense to suddenly tell a group of people who have been working with these animals and this instructor for the past 2+ years that we can't do exactly what our equestrian club is meant to do.



You know what, fuck this school; I'd rather go back to being a hermit....
I don't even have ice cream in my room--that would be friggin' lovely--but it's too icy and cold to walk to the store to get some.